Heart & Soul
by Petals Open to the Moon
Summary: Esme has never known anything but hurt and abuse. But after being changed by Carlisle, she sees the world through new eyes. Can she forget the pain of the past? Can Carlisle pierce this wounded soul, and awaken it to love...?
1. Prologue

_The pain was too real. When we dream, everything is usually blurred, disorientating, or just plain confusing. Rarely do we have those vivid dreams that clearly show what's happening. Rarely do we know what's going on. We remain in some sort of haze between reality and our own imagination. But we at least can wake up, and realize "it was only a dream." _

_I could not. I felt like I was caught in a web of sadness, guilt, love, misery, and pain, endless pain…I was caught in this web, and I couldn't wrench myself free. I heard my heart beating a dull rhythm in my chest; ticking away the last hours of my life._

"_Excuse me, ma'am, are you alright? Ma'am?" The soft voice drifted somewhere on the edge of my consciousness, but I pushed it away. After a short time, more voices joined the first one, their tones filled with questions and urgency. I felt myself lifted up onto something flat and hard. It was too short; my legs hung off the edge of it, and my arms—did I even have arms anymore?—swayed lifelessly. My broken body was jostled and bumped as I was carried along, but I hardly felt this additional agony. I was already close to death, so it didn't seem to matter. _

_After another hard bump, I felt a cool breeze fan across my face. But before I could relish this feeling, another smell assaulted my nostrils. It was a sickly, nauseous smell that permeated everything around it. I wanted to lift up my head and see who was carrying me, and where I had been brought to. But I could not feel anything that was a part of my body. My heartbeat was softer now, and my senses were weaker than ever. _

_I smiled blissfully. It was almost over; all the pain and heartache. Only a bit longer…_

"_Poor thing. And so young and pretty, too. Whatever happened to her?" The soft voice spoke very close to me. A male voice answered her._

"_I'm not sure, Mrs. Hartley. Joe found her dead only a few hours ago."_ _They were talking about me. _

"_Where?"_

"_At the bottom of Crag's peak. She must've jumped off." Did I do that? I searched the vagueness of my memories, but everything was blank up until I heard the man calling me. _

_I heard the woman gasp. "Oh, no!"_

"_I know. No one knows who she is, though. Does she remind you of anyone hereabouts?" _

_There was silence, and I felt her hand touch my face._

"_She looks vaguely familiar, but…"_

"_Please think hard, ma'am. Whatever information you have will be useful to us."_

_Silence, then a sharp intake of breath from the woman. "I remember her now. She came to our clinic awhile ago for some help."_

"_Just medical help?"_

"_Yes. I see it clearly now. She was with child, and we gave her a check-up. I haven't seen her since then."_

"_Is that all? You don't know her name?"_

"_No, she never gave one. She looked very unhappy, I remember. But I didn't know her personally, sir. I'm sorry."_

"_Quite all right, Mrs. Hartley. I'll be leaving now. What will you do with her body?"_

"_I'll leave it in the morgue overnight, and then I'll ask Jack to dispose of it in the morning. Just a simple burial, nothing fancy...you know, I really thought—"_

_I strained to hear the rest, but my concentration was slipping, and I wearily gave up. After some time, I felt a light softness over my face. A blanket of some kind. They were finally going to let me die in peace. I could finally break free of the anguish…I closed my eyes, and fell into a sort of hazy half-somnolence. I hoped that I would never wake up._

_I could barely hear my heartbeat anymore. I listened for an inhale, and exhale, but I didn't even know if I _was_ breathing anymore. I didn't know anything. The pain was fading, but that did not mean I couldn't still feel it. I tried to shake the cloth from my face, but I had long since lost the will to move. To distract myself from the pain, I turned my thoughts elsewhere. To my baby. Whom I never named. It hurt to think about him, but he was the only being I had ever truly cared for. The whole purpose of my life had hung on his existence. _He _had been my reason for living. _

_I remembered holding him in my arms; a pitiful sight—his little face still burning from the fever. He never had a chance at life. I stirred my leg slightly, moaning when a sharp pain shot up my hip. I had made mess of both of our lives. I had made a mess of everything. I should've run away when my husband first showed his true self. I should've moved in with some kindly neighbor, who knew how to nurse children correctly. I blamed myself for my baby's death. A true mother would never let her baby die. Never…_

_A small tear leaked out from under my eyelids, and I felt its cool trail run down my neck, and onto my arm; twisted grotesquely from the multiple broken bones. _

_As I laid there, the silent tears bathing my face, I suddenly sensed that I was not alone in the room. I knew this, though they weren't making a sound. I kept my eyes closed, and prayed that I would die soon. I wasn't afraid if it was a robber or something of that sort—what more could they do to me? I was already a lifeless soul, a broken body…_

_An icy cold pressure encircled my face, causing my skin to tingle. My eyelids fluttered. I mustered the last of my strength, and weakly opened my eyes. _

_The room was dark, but for a beam of moonlight falling through a window. I was lying on a bed, a white blanket covering the worst of my injuries. Someone was sitting on the bed. I slowly let my eyes travel upwards until I found their face. A rush of warm feeling shot through my body. I felt as if a vibrant liquid had been poured into me, a cleansing medicine. I felt alive. The face gazing down at me was a face I had dreamed of for years. The soft gentleness of his eyes brought memories of childhood. When I'd fallen from the tree, breaking the lower bone in my left leg. My parents had driven me all the way to a clinic in Statville and he'd treated me with as if I'd been his own daughter. I searched my memories for his name. It didn't take much effort. I knew it like I knew my own. _

"_Dr. Cullen?" the words scraped their way out of my throat like a rusty engine. I coughed, stiffening when the pain reached me. He held my shoulders, steadying me. "Yes, Miss Platt. I'm here." I shook my head feebly. "Not…not Miss Platt. Mrs. …Evenson." I coughed again, tasting blood in my mouth. _

"_You are married?" he asked, his tone surprised. I nodded assent. He looked at me thoughtfully. I strained my eyes to see him better. His own eyes had never failed to fascinate me. Such a beautiful, golden color. A little disconcerting, but still alluring…_

_He took his hands away and opened a black bag by his side. "Where is your husband?" he asked. I felt my jaw tighten. "I don't..." My shoulders shook as a spasm of coughing seized me. The doctor gripped my hand, his face concerned. "I don't…know." I finally managed to say. He didn't answer, but proceeded to examine my injuries, his cool fingers gently moving over my bare skin. "It is…no use" I murmured. He looked up at me, his hands suddenly still. _

_I raised my head slightly, ignoring the wave of pain that swept up my neck and shoulders. I watched him through my eyelashes. "I am going to die. You can't…you can't…" I gave up and fell back on my pillow. "Don't strain yourself, Mrs. Platt," he urged me softly. As he examined my leg, his hand pressed lightly on my shattered foot. I bit my lip viciously to keep from screaming. I saw Dr. Cullen rise from the bed, and begin to pace the room. I tried to hide how much pain I was in, but a tiny moan escaped my lips. He was by my side in an instant, his face clouded with a strange expression. He bent his head close to my ear, and whispered, "Can you hear me still?" _

"_Yes." I spoke lower than he did; my breathing was too shallow to speak louder. The doctor spoke again. "If I found a way to save you, Mrs. Evenson, would you want me to do it?" I looked up at him in amazement. "I'm …dying. There's nothi—"_

_He placed a cool finger on my lips. "_If_ I found a way?"_

"_There is…" My voice was barely a whisper. "No reason…for me…to live."_

_Dr. Cullen's hand held mine tightly in his own. His eyes were pools of golden light. "If I promised that someone would be there for you, would you refuse?"_

"_Who?"_

"_Myself. And my son. You could live with us for as long as you need." _

_I felt a thrill of sweet blissfulness that I had not experienced for a long, long time. Silently, I considered the offer. To live? To be with him? Possibly see his face for the rest of my life? And he had a son; someone I could care for. Another chance at being a mother, and a new life. All thoughts of death faded. I felt a new hope growing inside of me. It only took seconds to make my decision. _

"_Yes," I whispered softly. I saw him smile, his teeth gleaming in the moonlight. I smiled back at him. _

_He slowly leaned towards me, his pale hands gripping both of my arms with a gentle pressure. "Stay very still," he murmured. I didn't know _what _he was going to do, nor did I care. Just being in his presence again, and having his promise was enough. The sweet smell of his breath, and his gleaming eyes disoriented me, and clouded my thinking. As I laid there, I felt his pale lips press my forehead gently, and then slowly brush down my left cheekbone to my neck. A tingling sensation rippled throughout my body, Blood rushed to my face, and I blushed. I heard him grow utterly still, his lips still at my neck. I wondered why he didn't hurry and then…do what? I tried to remember if he'd told me. No, he hadn't. He had said he'd "find a way." I didn't know how he'd do it, but I had complete trust in his abilities to help me; to save me from the death I had only recently wanted so badly. _

_I closed my eyes, feeling the coolness of his lips at my throat. He took a deep breath, and then suddenly pressed his mouth hard on my skin, his hands still holding my shoulders in a firm grip. _

_Before I could react, I felt a searing pain twist sickeningly in my neck. I exhaled sharply in shock, and then waited for it to fade away. It didn't. If anything, it grew stronger. The strength of it took my breath away. I felt as if some sort of terrible demon was inside of me, clawing its way up my neck, through my jaw, and tearing from my mouth in the form of unearthly screams… And it burned. It burned like a wildfire spreading through a forest. I was consumed by it. My mind, my body, my very soul were on fire. _

_As I writhed about the bed, I struggled to move my arms—injured as they were. I wanted to rip the pain out of me. I wanted to calm the wild beating of my heart, and the violent tremors that were rocking my body. _

_But my arms and legs seemed to be pinned down by steel manacles. Manacles colder than ice. I struggled against them, but to no avail. Through all the torment, I wondered desperately what Dr. Cullen had done to me. Why had he made it worse? Why was I even now praying for Death to free me from this hell? _

"Let me die, let me die. Please…I don't deserve this! I don't. deserve this!!!" _To my amazement, the voice piercing the stillness was _mine._ Through the haze of pain I wondered vaguely where the doctor was. But I didn't care just then. I wanted to die. I couldn't count how many times I screamed this, over and over again, until my voice gave out from the strain. As the fire spread mercilessly throughout my body, the agonies of pain all seemed to meld together, and then attack me in full force. It was too much, my eyes closed, my body fell limp, and I sank into a welcoming blackness. The last sound I heard was the frenzied beating of my heart. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump…_


	2. Chapter 1: Bad Dreams

Chapter 2: Bad Dreams

"Esme Anne Evenson! You're 16-years-old, for goodness sakes; much too old to be scrambling around in treetops!"

I barely heard my mother scolding me. My attention was focused on the robin's nest in front of me. I touched one of the eggs with my finger. They were so perfect and smooth. Like they'd broken off from the turquoise sky and fallen to earth as tiny blue orbs. I flung my arms out as if I were flying, inhaling the fragrant summer air...

"Esme, if you're not out of that tree in two minutes, I shall tell your father about this improper conduct and heaven knows how many other incidents. I'm sure he will have quite a bit to discuss with you. I said now!"

I sat up quickly. Father was terribly strict, and I'd already upset him once today. "Alright. I'm climbing down as fast as I can." Gathering my skirts together, I seized a large branch and started ascending from the tree. The light wind tickled my bare ankles. Humming carelessly, I reached for another branch, throwing all of my weight upon it. I greatly misjudged its strength. In a matter of seconds, the weak branch tore from the wood of the tree and fell to the ground--bringing me with it. I barely had time to throw my arms out in front of me before I landed with a thud.

An audible snap caught my ear, and I looked down in horror. My leg, half-hidden with fallen leaves and bark, was pointing in the wrong direction, and a large cut on my ankle made a crimson stain that was spreading rapidly over the soft grass.

Clutching my leg with scraped hands, I threw my head back and screamed.

I was screaming. I couldn't help it. The fiery torture worsened with every passing minute; every hour. I looked beside my bedside, my eyes wild with the pain. Dr. Cullen sat there, his forehead creased with anxiety, and one of his hands holding mine tightly. The coolness of his touch was soothing, yet it did nothing to chase away the horrible devil that had seemed to take possession of me. It had now spread to my entire being, and I could not escape from it or have one moment of peace.

Please, my eyes said. Please. Help me. I cannot bear this alone.

He saw the helplessness in my eyes and leaned forward. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so very, very sorry. It will be over soon, I promise."

I tried to answer him. I wanted to reach out and smooth away the worry in his perfect face. But the pain was consuming me again, and with it came another wave of restless dreams and memories.

I scrubbed at the filthy pan with a dish rag, well worn from constant use. Leaning on the kitchen counter, I drew a hand across my hot, sweaty face. I was so tired, yet the evening's work had barely begun. I still had to mop the floors, clean the windows, and prepare John's dinner. Not to mention the great pile of dishes waiting behind me.

The front door slammed. I quickly turned around and began scrubbing away. "Esme?" a rough voice called.

"I'm in the kitchen, John. Dinner will be ready in just a minute."

"What? It isn't ready yet? You've been in there for nearly half an hour!" Loud footsteps echoed through the house, and my husband was standing in the doorway. I kept scrubbing, silently praying he wasn't in one of his foul-tempered moods.

Unfortunately, he was. "This kitchen is a mess!" he shouted at me. "The whole house is a mess. What have you been doing?"

I didn't turn around. "Please be patient, John. I've been sick half the day, and I'm doing my best to clean things up."

"That's what you said yesterday. I don't believe it at all. Here I break my back trying to provide for you, and keep a mortgage of the house, and you just lounge around bemoaning how ill you are. You think I fall for that lie?"

He slammed his boots down on the floor. "Well, that's what I get for marrying a worthless slob of a wife. I can understand why your family was so anxious to get rid of you."

I usually managed to ignore John's insults, but this was too much. I turned around, clutching the rag.

"How dare you," I said, my voice shaking. "I work like a slave in this filthy house all day, and you think I have nothing to show for it. Worthless slob?" The tears were streaming down my cheeks, but I still felt the anger built up over the years flowing through me. "The only worthless person here is you. And you only make things harder.

"Do you know why I left my parents? So I could get married and be useful, and their minds would be at rest. Because they want what is best for me. Because I love them. I don't love you. I've never loved you. I hate you."

John sat at the table, his eyes burning and his jaw clenched in anger. "I forbid you to say more, Esme," he snapped. His voice was low and dangerous.

I took a step towards him, my hair billowing about me in unruly waves. "I won't say more, for there's no more to say." Throwing my rag on the floor, I ran from the room. I heard his chair grate on the floor, and footsteps echoing after me.

Oh, please, God. Help me!" I prayed desperately. Don't let him hurt me again."

But he was too fast. Coming around the corner, I ran smack into him, and he caught my shoulders roughly. A hard blow hit me square in the face, and I stumbled backwards, holding my nose. When I took my hand away, it was smeared with blood.

He came towards me again, slapping me repeatedly and dragging me back towards the kitchen. "John, stop!" I sobbed, trying to wrench myself from his grip. But the blows kept on coming. I was lying on the floor, my arms in front of my injured face...

"Stop! Please! I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Sobbing in pain and guilt, I tossed about on the white, immaculate sheets.

Dr. Cullen's pale, worried face was in front of me and his lips were moving. "Who is John?" he asked me, stroking my moist forehead.

I shook my head, trying to lift up my hands and rip out the slow-moving fire. But they were secured to the bed by something stronger than I was. "I hate him!" I screamed. "I hate him!"

The doctor raised his head. "Edward!" he called desperately. I writhed about on the bed, gritting my teeth together.

A slight breeze whispered through the room. "Yes, Carlisle?" a soft voice murmured.

I felt the doctor's hand leave mine as he moved towards the door. I was straining to hear their conversation, when another shock of agony swept through me. I bit my lip viciously to keep from crying out. The young-sounding voice spoke again, and it seemed to be arguing with Carlisle.

"Her mind is racked with pain. It will be difficult to hear anything."

"Just try."

There was a brief moment of silence, which was broken by Edward's sharp intake of breath. Carlisle looked up at him quickly, and spoke. "What is it?" he said. "What did you hear?"

Edward turned towards me, but his features were blurred through the pain. "It's nothing. You don't want to hear it."

"Yes, I do. Please tell me."

Edward sat down quietly, avoiding Carlisle's gaze. "Esme's husband, John, was...abusive. I heard memories of times when he has beaten her repeatedly, to the point of serious injury. Her parents...did not believe her. They told her to go back home and 'deal with it'."

"And no one else knew about this?" Carlisle's voice was tight and constrained

Edward shook his head. "No."

Flames were burning my face and neck, places where my husband had left bruises before. I tried to wrench myself from the table, crying for the pain to stop.

Carlisle buried his face in his hands, and they were trembling. Edward stood and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't matter anymore," he said softly. "She has only a few hours of pain left, and then she will begin a new, happier life."

The doctor lifted his fair head and gazed at me in tortured silence. His beautiful, anguished eyes were the only thing I saw before the pain carried me away for the last time.


	3. Chapter 2: Waiting

**Chapter 3: Waiting for Esme **

_**Carlisle **_

There have been times in my life where I've felt pain. And yes, there have been times where I've felt joy. But this...? This?

I looked down at the young girl on the bed. The venom had twisted her features; molding them into a cold, hard paleness that I had become so accustomed to. I almost dreaded the moment when she would open her eyes, knowing that the new color would frighten her. I already missed that clear, limpid blue. And the rosy skin that felt like silk under my fingers...

I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall. What was I thinking? I'd only met her twice in my life! A long life, at that. Too long.

The girl moaned.

I rushed across the room, gripping the bedstead with one hand.

Her breath came and went slowly, her heart struggling to retain its beat. It was painful for me to watch her life slip away, even though I knew a new life would soon break through. A beautiful girl breathing, laughing, smiling at me...

She jerked on the bed, gasping. A single tear flowed down her cheek. She was shaking. The bed was shaking. No, I realized, it isn't her, it's me. _I_ was shaking, crushing the bedstead between my fingers. Watching her suffer.

I steadied myself, holding her hand in mine.

"Just hold on, Esme," I whispered softly. "Hold on, my love..."


	4. Chapter 3: Reborn

**Chapter 4: Reborn**

_**Esme **_

When I awoke, it was to the sound of a bird trilling outside the window.

I stirred, tilting my head backwards and spreading my arms out on either side. I felt different. No, that wasn't the right word. I felt...complete. Healed.

The pain was gone. Pain, which had grown to become a part of who I was. It was something I'd lived and suffered with for so long, it had seemed my constant companion. But now it was wiped out. The fire, the terrible, consuming fire, had been erased entirely from my body, and had finally disappeared.

I blinked experimentally, and then ventured to open my eyes.

I gasped, blinked, and then opened them again.

If a rainbow had suddenly shattered to pieces in the room, I could not have been more amazed. Every object, every color surrounding me was a dazzling world of light and beauty. Eight, not six colors formed a spectrum that I had no name for. It was a different world. A new, beautiful world. I felt like a newborn baby, seeing things for first time.

Sitting up, I carefully pushed away the blanket. My legs were healed, as well as my arms. But it was the smooth, almost silky texture of my skin that mainly caught my attention. It actually _glittered_ in the sunlight.

Childishly, I pinched my arm to see if I was dreaming. It was hard as marble, and just as white.

_What has happened?_ I thought. _What am I?_

A knock sounded at the door.

I turned my head quickly. "Yes?"

"May I come in?"

A tingling sensation rippled through me. I knew that voice.

"Yes," I called, holding my breath before I realized it was unnecessary.

The door opened, and a man entered.

"Good morning," he said softly, moving into the light.

I tried to speak, but my voice caught in my throat.

_This has to be an illusion_, I thought. _He..._can't_ be real_.

I blinked. The being in front of me was so beautiful, it almost hurt to look at him. I knew who he was, of course. How could I forget? But seeing him in this strange, new body--with these new eyes--literally took my breath away.

"Are you all right?" he said, concerned.

I nodded, smiling.

He smiled back, the sunbeams sparkling off his teeth.

"I'm Carlisle Cullen," he said, and held out his hand to me.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Cullen. I didn't recognize you at first."

"That's quite all right, Mrs. Evenson."

"Please. Call me Esme."

"Only if you call me Carlisle first."

I laughed. My voice sounded like wind chimes.

"Carlisle," I said. I felt a strong urge to say it again. "Carlisle."

"Yes, that is my name," he said, laughing. "And how are you feeling, Esme?"

My neck and throat were feeling rather uncomfortable, but I didn't want to complain. "I'm fine."

"I'm glad to hear it. Why don't w--" He stopped suddenly, and his face went blank for a moment.

I watched curiously.

Suddenly he smiled. "I forgot. There's someone whom I'd like you to meet."

"Who?"

"You'll see."

He held out his hand again, and this time I took it. His skin was very warm.

A pleasant feeling filled my body, and I closed my eyes for a short moment. When I opened them again, I saw Carlisle looking at me. His eyes, so golden soft, flickered with a deep emotion. After a moment, the look vanished.

"This way," he said, gently pulling me along.

I could not help admiring the doctor's home. It was simple, yet had a sort of refined elegance about it. I wondered if Carlisle would let me "touch it up" a bit. I had always loved decorating things. Leaving them lovelier than I found them.

We walked in silence until I caught sight of a large wooden cross hanging on the wall next to an oil painting. I had loved architecture as well, and the ancient relic fascinated me. Reaching upwards, I ran my fingers along the edge.

"Fine balsa wood. Late 17th century, I think." I blushed suddenly, realizing I'd spoken aloud.

"That's correct," murmured Carlisle, a sense of awe in his voice. "How did you know that?"

I looked at the floor, embarrassed. "Oh, I have always been interested in ancient architecture. It fascinates me."

"I as well," he smiled. "It appears I won't have to bore Edward with discussions about ancient culture. I can just talk to you now."

"Oh, yes, I'd love that," I said happily. He smiled at me again, and we moved on.

As we descended down the winding staircase, I sensed another presence in the room. Sure enough, a figure appeared around the corner, and waited for us to approach.

"Good morning, Edward," said the doctor.

"Good morning, Carlisle."

"This is Esme."

Coming closer, Edward shook my hand and smiled at me softly. "Esme."

I couldn't speak. My heart was speaking for itself. I looked into the eyes of Carlisle's son, and saw the eyes of my dead baby staring back at me. Aside from their queer golden color, and the pale skin, the two faces were almost similar.

My heart throbbed painfully.

_He's so young,_ I thought. _So young._

Edward was staring back at me. Almost as if...no, that wasn't possible.

"What was his name?" he asked softly.

I started and I turned to Carlisle in confusion.

He looked confused to, but after glancing at Edward, he smiled in comprehension.

"Edward can read minds, Esme."

_What? _

"I know it's difficult to believe, but it's true. You'll find that this is a different world than you're used to. Some of us have different gifts than others."

I caught onto that last sentence. "Some of _us?_ Who? What do you mean?"

Carlisle stopped, and looked at Edward, who seemed surprised.

"You didn't tell her?" he said.

Carlisle shook his head.

I looked from one to the other. "Tell me what?"

Edward sighed and gazed out the nearest window.

"This makes things more complicated, doesn't it?" he said.

"Unfortunately."

"_Please_ tell me," I pleaded.

Carlisle sighed, and laid his hands gently on my shoulders.

"Look behind you," he said. "You may be...surprised at first, but I will explain."

Anxiety gnawed inside of me, but I turned around.

An old-fashioned mirror hung on the wall over a small chest-of-drawers. The edges curled in gold and silver, and the broad surface glared in the sunlight. It was lovely. Probably another one of Carlisle's antiques.

I stepped closer, wondering what Carlisle wanted me to see. It took a few seconds for me to notice the woman inside the mirror.

My eyes widened.

A goddess stood before me, her beautiful form motionless. I touched my face. Her perfect hand followed my movement.

"Is that..._me?_" My voice was barely a whisper.

No one answered. I ran my hands down her arms, across her shoulders, and through her lustrous hair. She--I--was stunning. A vision of perfection. I thrilled at this new body. There were no faded bruises. No scars from my past life.

Carlisle stepped behind me. Only then did I notice the huge difference between my face and his.

"The eyes will change in time," he said, seeing my terror.

I turned around and stared at him. The horrid red color sparked something in my mind, and clouded memories were beginning to take shape. I saw a girl lying broken on a hospital bed. A handsome, blond man bent over her, and touched his lips to her throat. As a red stream pulsed from the wound, he tore away, pressing a fist to his mouth. The girl writhed on the bed, her eyes wide and staring as change spread through her body...

I stared back at the mirror. I ran a finger along the edge of my teeth. They were razor-sharp. The burning feeling in my throat intensified, and I suddenly understood.

"I am a vampire." I was surprised at how calm my voice sounded.

"Yes," Carlisle murmured.

I looked at him. "_You_ changed me, didn't you?"

His lovely face was wary. "Do you wish I hadn't?"

"No, but--"

I couldn't continue. There was an odd, pricking sensation in my eyes.

"Esme?"

Carlisle's eyes regarded me tenderly. The pricking sensation grew worse than ever. I sank to the floor, my face in my hands.

He patted my back comfortingly. "But what?" he asked.

I looked up and saw Edward's troubled gaze, and my voice was afraid.

"What do I do now?" I whispered.

Edward came forward, and he and Carlisle knelt beside me. Their comforting presence helped soothe my fears.

I suddenly realized that it didn't matter what I was, or what pain and misery had occurred in my human life. It didn't matter that everyone I'd ever known had rejected me, or left my heart sore and bruised. I had a home now. By some incredible fortune, I had found Carlisle again, and he had accepted me along with his son. The path to life he'd given me was a difficult one, but I would do it. For him. For Edward. _They_ were my life now. With them, I would start over.


	5. Chapter 4: First Hunt

**Chapter 5: First Hunt **

"Now?"

"Yes! Now!"

"I can't!"

"It's only a deer, Esme."

"They'll run as soon as we get there."

"We're faster."

"No..."

"Do you want me to go first?"

I hesitated, torn between my thirst and my desire not to hurt any living creature. A doe at the edge of the herd looked up at me, her eyes wide and soft. I couldn't do it.

But my thirst was stronger, and I nodded painfully at Carlisle.

He smiled encouragingly at me, and then sped into the clearing. Within seconds, he was grappling with a large buck. The animal kicked and lunged, but Carlisle didn't move. Before the herd could react, the buck lay dead on the ground, its neck broken.

The other deer scattered in fear, disappearing in the trees.

I stood frozen, shuddering at the brutality of the scene. But then Carlisle--his fair hair shining in the sun--looked up at me. His clothes and mouth were clean. My heart softened. He did what he had to do. What I would have to do.

"Go, Esme," he called to me. "Follow the scent."

I rushed past him. As I whipped through the trees, I felt a strange, animal instinct take over. It was if my human self were separating into my more primitive side. I unwillingly gave myself over to this sense, and let it pull me towards the retreating herd. I found them in a matter of minutes, their bowed heads unaware of my approach. My throat tightened.

The young stag at the edge was first. I crippled his legs, smashing his skull with my foot. All but two does had escaped me by the time I began my bloodlust. I drank hungrily. The coppery taste of blood was revolting at first, but as my body welcomed it, so did my mind. I had just sucked the third deer dry when Carlisle came up beside me.

"You must have been hungry," he teased.

I bowed my head, ashamed, but he laughed. "Well done," he said. "Not bad for your first try."

_Should I feel proud?_ I thought. I felt sick, actually. The animal instinct was dying away, and clear thought came rushing back.

"Can we leave?" I asked, clutching my stomach.

He looked concerned. "Of course."

As I ran through the forest, I felt heavy and gorged with blood. My stomach was tight as a fist.

_They're just deer,_ I chanted to myself. _Just a few deer..._

Edward met us at the door of the house. I groaned. I'd asked him to respect my thoughts, but I knew he could hear them anyway. I cared for him already, but...it was like being naked in front of a crowd. My barest feelings were exposed with him.

Besides, I was a mess to look at. The stage had kicked tears in my dress, and it was streaked with blood.

_Don't you dare, Edward,_ I thought, only half-serious.

His eyes laughed at me. "How was it?"

"She did quite well," Carlisle replied. "I didn't expect her to be quite so thirsty, though."

I glared at him. Edward smiled and disappeared.

"I'm going to go change," I said.

Carlisle stopped me. "When you're finished, would you like to come for a walk with me? I always do, before my night shift at the hospital."

I stared at him.

"Or you could stay, if you wish," he said quietly.

How could I tell him that it wasn't reluctance that made me hesitate? What would he say if I told him that everytime he looked at me, my hands trembled and I could hardly breathe?  
Those overwhelming eyes watched me, waiting for my answer.

"Oh, no," I said hurriedly. "I _would_ like to come. Very much. Wait a moment."

I flew to my room, tearing off the bedraggled dress. I picked out a delicate, creamy muslin. Looking in the mirror, I saw it suited my white skin perfectly, and brought out honey tints in my hair. I nervously smoothed the skirt, and walked downstairs.

Carlisle waited by the front door, his back to me. The sun formed a halo about his head, so when he turned, I could see nothing of his face at first. I stopped a few feet away from him.

He moved, and I saw his face.

His breath caught. "You're beautiful," he said.

I said nothing, absorbing his words into my heart.

After a long silence, he held his hand out to me. "Come."

I took it eagerly, and in that moment, our eyes met.

It was only a glance, but for one second, there was an expression of such intense despair and longing in Carlisle's face, I almost couldn't believe I'd seen it at all.


	6. Chapter 5: New Beginnings

**Chapter 5: New Beginnings **

_**Esme**_

We walked for a while in silence, until Carlisle suggested we stop and enjoy the scenery. It really was beautiful outside. The sun shone down in filtered beams, saturating the grass until it gleamed emerald. I picked a few stray flowers, lifting them to my face.

Once, when I did this, I caught Carlisle watching me. He looked away quickly, his marble face embarrassed.

I thought of speaking to him, but thought better of it. I pretended to smell the flowers I held, but I was really drinking in his scent, which drifted to me on the wind. I gazed at him, intoxicated with feeling. His fair hair blew about his forehead. I wanted to run my fingers through it, down his flawless throat, rip his scarf to shreds--

His eyes met mine suddenly.

I jerked my head away, silently laughing at the absurdity of it all. It was like a game. A game we were both losing. To distract myself, I asked a question that had been bothering me.

"Carlisle...?"

"Yes?"

"Are you married?" I asked timidly.

He turned to stare at me. "What makes you think I'm married?"

I flushed. "Oh, I don't know...Edward, I suppose."

He laughed. "Do I look old enough to have a teenage son?"

"No, but I don't think you're exactly twenty-three, either."

I stopped. Where had that remark come from? I considered apologizing.

Carlisle's smile had disappeared. "What do you mean?"

"I'd rather not say."

"Please."

I looked at my hands. "Something tells me you're not as young as you pretend to be. As if you're much older, but--" A new thought struck me. "How...how _old_ can vampires become? Are we truly immortal?"

Carlisle was silent.

"How old _are_ you?" I asked.

There was a long silence, during which I hardly breathed. Finally, his beautiful face turned towards me, and his eyes were sad.

"I am nearly three hundred years old," he said.

I gasped. I tried to calculate the past years in my head, but my brain was too astonished to think clearly. Three hundred years. I looked at Carlisle, and his melting eyes stared back.

"Oh." I couldn't think of anything else to say.

He took my hands in his, suddenly anxious. "It doesn't upset you?"

"Of course not." I wished he would never let go of me.

"Yes, we are immortal," he said, answering my question. "Some view it as a blessing, others as a curse. It all depends on how you look at it. As to your first question, no, Edward is not my son. I consider him so, of course, but he isn't. And no, I'm not married." He paused. "A relationship...of that kind would be impossible."

"Why?"

"It's just the way it is."

A tiny fear grew inside me. With growing horror, I asked, "You mean, vampires can't--"

"--have children. No."

The fear became a stabbing pain. I moaned.

Carlisle laid a hand on my shoulder. His face was devoid of anything but the sincerest love and compassion. I tried to smile at him, but the beauty of his face only made me want to cry. I reached up to wipe my eyes, but stopped in confusion.

There were no tears.

"Can I do _nothing_ in this body?" I cried in frustration.

His voice was very soft. "What do you mean?"

"I cannot cry. I cannot have children. I will never...never grow old, and watch my grandchildren play before me. I'll never--" A sob stole into my voice, and I shook my head in despair.

Carlisle's warm fingers stroked my hair. "You have Edward. And me. I once thought as you did, Esme. I was full of hatred and disgust for this life, and wanted only to be human again. But then doors were opened for me. I had always wanted to learn, to live life fully. Now there was unlimited time to do so. The whole world lay before me. And when I grew lonely, I found one of strongest, most beautiful souls I've ever known; saving it from near death."

"Edward," I whispered.

"Yes. I had thought there was no one there for me, and that I would continue through eternity in loneliness. I was wrong."

"But that was mere chance," I protested.

Carlisle's eyes were soft, distant. "I don't think so. It was fate I found Edward when I did, and that I found you."

He smiled at me gently. "You have a strong soul, too, Esme, although you don't realize it. Have hope. Things will work out."

I'd never heard anything more profoundly, utterly true. He was right. Hope itself seemed to shine about Carlisle with shimmering light. When he touched me, I felt the same flare of happiness, the same joy.

There was one hope, though, I had not told him. Would die before I told him. For how could I know he felt the same...?

Smiling, I let Carlisle help me to my feet. I didn't know why, but he stumbled back slightly, causing me to fall against him.

"Sorry," he gasped, still holding my arms firmly. His eyes were too close. I was blinded.

"I'm fine," I whispered, barely breathing either. The scent of his skin consumed me, burning my tongue when I inhaled. I tried not to stare at him, but the force of his eyes was irresistible.

_He did this on purpose,_ I thought. I didn't care.

Carlisle lifted a strand of my hair, watching it play through his fingers. He smiled at me, but I wasn't paying attention. A vision was taking form in my mind...

_Charles smiled. It was a terrible smile. He loved this. He relished being in control, inflicting the pain..._

"_You're pretty enough," he murmured, tugging cruelly on the strand. My hair looked dirty on his fingers. _

"_Well, let's get on with it," he said, indicating the bed behind me. I slowly unbuttoned my dress, cold with fear. As the moon rose, I stared in horror at the man who was soon to be my husband... _

I blinked. Nothing had changed. My hair danced across Carlisle's flawless hand, sparkling like amber. I stepped back slightly, and he immediately did the same. He was respectful. Kind. The opposite of the specter in my vision.

"Shall we?" he offered me his arm. I took it, grateful for his presence.

It would take several hours before the pain in my heart faded, and I could breathe normally again.

* * *

This was the first of many walks I would take with Carlisle. Occasionally, Edward came with us, although I sensed that he preferred being alone most of the time. I longed for his confidence, but Carlisle encouraged me to be patient.

"Edward did not speak to me at first, either," he smiled, remembering.

I accepted that, and let Edward alone.

It was during the third week of my stay with the Cullens that Carlisle was called to the hospital. Two of the doctors had come down with fever, and Carlisle was urgently needed to fill their shifts. I paced about the house, restless in Carlisle's absence. Edward was gone again, and I couldn't find him anywhere. Finally, I decided to go walking myself. I had smelled a herd of deer a few miles away, and felt hungry. I would go hunting, and then perhaps gather a bouquet of wildflowers for Carlisle.

_He will love that, _I thought. _And he loves how I look with flowers in my hair. _

Disregarding Carlisle's advice to never go hunting without him or Edward, I stepped outside. The sky was gloomy, with the promise of a storm, but the air was sweet and clear. I skipped into the forest like a child, my skirt swaying in the wind. The deer were where I'd predicted, and I swiftly killed a few, helping myself. Killing animals still made me uneasy, but I had almost grown used to it. _What did Carlisle mean? Of course I can hunt by myself. _

A thunderclap sounded above my head. I gazed upward, wishing for rain. It would at least wash away the smell of blood that hovered around me. I settled for flowers, instead, gathering their giddy colors in my arms. Smelling lilies-of-the-valley, I sped to a different clearing.

I had just gathered a handful of the bell-like blossoms, when an overwhelming, powerful scent stung my nostrils.

"Excuse, me, miss, but have you seen any deer hereabouts? I think I lost them."

I turned slowly, my throat on fire. The flowers fell from my hands.

"What?" I asked. It did not sound like my voice.

"A herd of deer. Have you seen--" The hunter's voice faltered. I could feel my lips curling back, my body crouching. I snarled, a horrible sound that ripped from my chest.

The hunter ran towards the forest, dropping his gun.

He never made it.

**Thank you, all my wonderful readers, for putting up with me so far! I hope I'm writing this to your satisfaction. You'll love the next few chapters, esp. if you want to hear more from our darling Carlisle Cullen. The story should be completed in about a week (if I'm lucky) :) **


	7. Chapter 6: Hospital Duties

**Chapter 6: Hospital Duties **

_**Carlisle **_

I shuffled the papers on my desk, checking off the last round of patients. I was finished, after a long day. Dr. Jones and Dr. Worthing had both taken sick, so when I'd arrived at the hospital early that morning, there had been a grueling day's work ahead of me. For the millionth time, I felt grateful for my "extra" abilities as a vampire. An ordinary doctor would be exhausted by now. I _was_ exhausted, though. Just not physically.

Glancing at the clock, I saw it was just after five in the evening. Never-- since the day I changed her--had I left Esme alone for so long. Edward had promised he'd keep an eye on her, but he'd been so moody when I left... How did I know he wouldn't wander off by himself again and leave her?

I tried not worry. After all, she had been doing so well the past few days. No danger signs whatsoever. You never could tell, though, with a newborn...

Someone knocked at the office door, and I snapped out of my reverie.

"Come in."

Marcia, my assistant/ secretary, walked in. The tapping sound of her high-heels irritated me, but I smiled politely.

"Hello, Marcia. Do you have anything else for me today?"

She flashed me a smile, showing off her perfect teeth. I noticed how her fingers purposefully brushed mine as she handed over the clipboard. "Only a few things, Dr. Cullen. Then you can sign off and go home."

"Not until after four, I'm afraid. I still have my night shift."

She looked dismayed. Whether out of concern for me or the fact she wouldn't be around at that time, I couldn't tell. "But you've been working all day, doctor!"

"I know, but I can't just leave my patients."

"Oh, but we've substituted someone else in your place. It would be cruel to force you to work for so long."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Under normal conditions, I would be happy to work 24/7; not being human, anyway. But I hadn't shaken off my worries about Esme, and I was anxious to return home.

Marcia sensed I was relenting, and smiled again. She stood at a certain angle in front of me, so I could see the tightness of her vinyl suit over her breasts and hips. She wasn't unattractive, I had to admit. As humans went, she was actually quite beautiful. But I had seen too many of her type, trying to get the attention of the untouchable, unmarried Dr. Cullen.

"Any plans for the weekend?" she drawled. I ignored the obvious insinuation in her voice. Her suit looked like it would split at the seams at any moment. _Why do women wear such tight clothing?_ I wondered. _Esme would never wear something as gaudy and immodest as that. _I smiled, picturing her running beside me in a loose, muslin dress. It draped about her naturally, accenting the graceful curves of her body. She danced in the sunlight; unaware of how utterly perfect she was...

Marcia was beginning to frown. I quickly replied to her question. "Oh, no. I'll just be getting some rest."

_ A vampire needing rest. What a ludicrous thought. _

My secretary smoothed back her unnaturally red hair. "Well, Dr. Jones is coming to fill in soon, so you should probably leave."

_ In other words, Dr. Cullen, I'd like you to escort me out of the building._

In a few minutes, my briefcase and medical bag were ready, and I turned out the office lights. Marcia's heels clicked ahead of me, and she reached for her fur coat. I wondered how a hospital assistant could afford such luxuries. We walked together to the front desk, and I quickly gave some final instructions to the head clerk. He wished me a good night, and we left.

It was raining outside. The moisture poured down heavily, and I hurriedly dug my car keys from my pocket.

Marcia hadn't given up yet. "Oh, dear," she sighed. "I can't find a taxi. Dr. Cullen, do you suppose--?"

_ --you could drive me home? Or maybe I could stay the night at _your_ house, instead?_

"Marcia," I interrupted. "You know as well as I do that a bus line runs through here. You only have to wait a few minutes. Also, my house is over five miles out of town, and I'm sure you're in a hurry to get home."

"But--"

"Good-bye," I said, smiling. "I'll see you on Monday."

I quickly opened my car door, and turned on the ignition. Pulling away from the curb, I could see her scowling at an approaching bus, an expression of bitter disappointment on her face. I shook my head. Some women were definitely relentless.

The car crawled by at a slow pace, due to the traffic of people returning from work. I drummed my fingers on the windowsill, trying to be patient. My anxiety over Esme had returned.

_I've only been gone twelve hours, _I conjectured. _What could possibly happen in twelve hours?_

A stupid question. _Anything_ could happen. Images of Esme flashed before my eyes. She was gentle and sweet, but she had the same recklessness and driving thirst that all newborns have. It almost seemed inevitable that disaster would strike.

The rain poured down harder than ever.

_Oh, Esme,_ I thought desperately. _Don't do anything foolish. Wait until I come back. Please. _


	8. Chapter 7: Murderer

**Chapter 8: "Murderer" **

_**Esme **_

A voice in my head screamed for me to stop, that this was wrong, but the red gush was filling my mouth, and I couldn't think straight. I drank hungrily, my cold skin warming with the blood. I ravaged the corpse; slashing the wrists and ankles in a wild desire for more. Time seemed to stand still as the animal in me glutted itself.

After I'd sucked the human dry, I sighed with pleasure.

"Ahh..." I moaned, leaning back on the grass. I felt like I would burst from all I'd consumed. I had never tasted anything more delicious, more profoundly satisfying than this human. I smelled a deer several miles off, and scoffed. _That_ was nothing.

Thunder crackled again, and a bright flash illuminated the clearing.

I stared, and my blood ran cold.

I was Esme again.

Rising to my feet, I slowly took in the horrific scene in front of me. A man lay on the ground, his body white and motionless, and his broken limbs bent sickeningly. His eyes were frozen in a look of undisguised terror, while his mouth hung slack over a torn, bloody throat. He was stone dead.

I fell to my knees, heaving violently. A cold rain began to pour, echoing my anguish and horror.

I looked up, trembling, and saw once more the dead man's eyes. They glared at me accusingly.

You_ killed me_, they seemed to say. I turned away, frightened. The eyes followed.

_Murderer. _

Biting my hand to keep from screaming, I ran from the awful sight. The forest engulfed me as I plunged into its shady depths. Twigs and branches tore at my face, and I shattered a tree or two that bent in my path.

I wasn't fleeing out of fear from the dead body. I was fleeing from myself.

Halfway to Carlisle's house, I suddenly realized that I couldn't leave the body there. Someone would find it, and it would bring trouble down on all of us. My clothes and hair were soaked, but I spun on my heel and rushed back to the clearing.

The body was gone.

I couldn't understand it. There wasn't even a red stain on the grass, or any sign it had lain there. Even worse, maybe someone had already found it, and carried it off. _But that's impossible_, I thought. _It was only there a few min--_

I froze. Someone was behind me.

Turning very slowly, my senses on alert, I peered through the pouring rain. My heart caught in my throat.

Edward was standing a few feet away from me, his bronze hair tousled and wet. His eyes were dark in his rigid, unsmiling face. As his hands opened slowly. I gasped. They were covered with blood. The blood of the man I'd killed.

He closed them, still staring at me. I stood in the rain, my hair limp about my face, and waited for him to say something. Anything.

I didn't care if it was to condemn me, as long as he spoke.

He said nothing. He was disgusted with me--hated me. I couldn't look at him.

Suppressing a sob, I rushed past him and on to Carlisle's house. He did not follow me. I sped up the familiar hill and pushed open the heavy, wooden door. The house was silent, but for the pattering of rain outside. I rushed up the stairs, trailing mud and water behind me. _Thank God Carlisle's not home yet. Maybe if I leave, I'll never have to face him..._

I stumbled into my room, locked the door, and turned around.

I screamed.

A face stared back at me across the room. It was the face of a young woman. Her eyes were wickedly lustrous, their color a bloody crimson. Her lips curved up menacingly in a ghastly, bone-white face; adding a terrible contrast to the burning look in her eyes. I gazed in horror at her teeth--sharp and stained red. She laughed at me, gesturing with a bloody hand.

I screamed again, and struck out at the terrible vision.

She disappeared, shattering like glass, and my hand went through the mirror on my bureau.

The woman was me.

_Murderer. _

The monster in me smiled, and I collapsed on the floor, sobbing.


	9. Chapter 8: You Are Not a Monster

**Chapter 9: "You are Not a Monster" **

_**Carlisle **_

As I approached the house, my feeling of unease was stronger than ever. I tapped the gas pedal, urging my car faster. The heavy rain made blurry streaks across the front window, and I drove more carefully than usual. The house looked dark and forbidding in the rain. It seemed like an ill omen. I parked the car and carried my bag with medical tools up the pathway. The crunch of gravel was unnaturally loud.

The feeling grew stronger, and I stifled the urge to race down the drive. What would the neighbors think? But then Edward appeared at the door, his eyes blazing with panic and worry.

"Esme...found him dead...the blood..."

My bag fell to the ground, and next thing I knew, I was flying past Edward and into the house. I climbed the staircase so quickly it was a blur, and rushed down the hallway. Reaching Esme's bedroom, I flung open the door.

My heart wrenched inside of my chest.

Esme--my beautiful, pure Esme--was kneeling on the floor, her delicate body racked with sobs. The moonlight revealed trails of blood staining the purity of her white dress. Her hands gripped the bureau, the wood crushed to pulp in her hands.

I leaned against the wall, trembling. For the first time in my life, I was unsure of how to act. That clear knowledge so useful to me in the hospital was gone, and I was left with nothing. Nothing but an almost wild desire to help her.

I walked forward softly, trying not to startle her. I placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Esme," I whispered.

Her head snapped up, and her eyes flooded with shame and horror.

"Oh no," she gasped, pushing me away. "Please, God, no. Not you. Not here."

I stared at her, surprised.

"Esme?" I repeated. I reached out to her. She crawled further away from me.

"Don't touch me!" she moaned. "Don't look at me!"

"Please. Let me help you."

"No one can help me."

"I _can_ help you, and I _will_."

"Please, Carlisle. Leave me alone."

I felt hurt. Did she not want me?

"Is there something I've done?" I asked.

"_No!"_ The fierce tone in her voice startled me. She looked up, her face filled with agony.

"How could you ever do anything?" she whispered. "You who are perfect in every way! The one who gave me a new chance at life, and now watches me destroy it. _You_ would never have done this. _I _am the one to blame."

I was distraught. "No, Esme. You are wrong. I--"

"Would _you_ have done this?!" she cried out, showing me her bloodstained hands.

"Esme, listen--"

"_Look_ at me!" she screamed. "I am a monster! These eyes...this face...these hands... _Whose are they?!_"

She was hysterical. But I had regained some of my reason. Gently, but firmly, I took hold of her wrists, and pulled her towards me. She struggled at first, but then collapsed weakly into my arms.

We sat on the floor--she huddled in my lap, and my arms around her.

"Shhh..." I murmured, stroking her hair tenderly. I closed my eyes. Her body felt so fragile, so easily hurt by the world.

_Was I right in changing her? _I thought. I couldn't answer my own question. Besides, Esme was wrong to call me perfect; when I had committed the same sin she had many times, only in a different form.

_If you only knew, my love, _I thought, pressing my face to her hair.

She had not seen me wandering the streets of Paris during the Revolution, my medical robe stained with blood from the guillotine. She had not seen me with burning, hungry eyes, trying to escape the thirst. The Civil War had been better, I thought. I was more in control then. I shuddered, remembering the horrible sounds of men screaming; their wounds searing with infection before my eyes... It almost reminded me of Esme when I found her. She had been little more than a mangled body; a broken soul. Yet I had still seen the beauty shining from her. Still had heard her heart beating. _Thank God, _I thought.

Her voice broke through my reverie. "You must hate me."

I smiled reassuringly. "I don't hate you."

"Edward does, than."

"Edward?"

"Yes." She grew very quiet. "I shall never forget the look on his face. I was so...so ashamed."

"I'm sure you're mistaken. Edward is very worried about you."

She stirred. "He is?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

I spoke softer. "Esme?"

"Yes?"

"What happened, exactly?"

She pressed her face against my chest. "I don't want to talk about it."

I sighed, and shifted slightly. I wasn't going to bother her tonight.

"Come. You should change your clothes."

She didn't move.

I hesitated. "Esme...you are not a monster. You are the purest...most beautiful creature I have ever known."

She turned her head and looked up at me. The bright-red of her eyes did nothing to dispel her beauty. A slight smile graced her lips, and I found myself imagining what it would be like to kiss them. Esme stared at me, her body suddenly warmer, and I wondered if she was thinking the same thing. Our faces were almost touching. All it would take was a moment. One moment, and I would taste the loveliness of her scent...

"Carlisle?" Edward knocked on the door. "Esme?"

We both jumped, and I swiftly rose to my feet. So did Esme.

"Come in," I called.

Edward peered around the corner. "Excuse me," he said, embarrassed. I hoped he hadn't been eavesdropping.

He shook his head at me silently.

I sighed in relief. "What is it, Edward?"

"Dr. Worthing is on the phone for you."

I turned to Esme. "Will you be alright?" She nodded, her head bowed.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, thank you."

Edward waited by the door, but I was reluctant to leave Esme. She had that pained look on her face again. As I watched her, she looked up at me. Her eyes were a brilliant red, but a beautifully innocent expression shone through them.

I couldn't stand it any longer. Moved by a sudden impulse, I took her hand and pressed it to my lips. I looked up. Her face was radiant, despite its previous despair, and she smiled gently.

"Good night," she breathed, and a delicate scent blew over my face. My head swam as I inhaled deeply.

Edward coughed. I hurried from the room, a sweet feeling pulsing through my body.

I loved her, I realized. I had fallen in love with Esme Platt.

Edward looked at me sharply, reacting to my unguarded thought. I smiled at him, and after a moment's hesitation ...he smiled, too.


	10. Chapter 9: Mother and Son

**Chapter 10: Mother and Son **

_**Esme **_

Carlisle left the room with Edward, closing the door behind him.

"You are the purest, most beautiful creature I have ever known," I repeated softly.

_Carlisle. My angel. _

After a few moments, I had the courage to clean the blood off my skin and clothes, and find a clean dress. I was careful not to look in any mirrors. Carlisle's words had given me fresh strength, but I knew I couldn't look at my reflection until my eye color had softened to a dull red. I sat in my room, calming myself down.

A faint light began to fill the room. I looked up. The rain outside had stopped, and sun pierced through the angry clouds. The night was over. It was a new day. A new beginning for me. As I inhaled the sweet, clean air, I quietly made a promise.

"Carlisle," I whispered. "This will never happen again. Even if it kills me to do it, I will never kill a human again."

A gentle breeze ruffled my hair about my shoulders. I felt his warm presence beside me as I never had before.

* * *

The good weather prevailed, and I decided to take a long walk on the paths behind Carlisle's house. Birds trilled at me from a grove of aspens, and I sang along. I marveled at the beauty and texture of my voice. I'd always wanted to be able to sing.

Throwing my arms out wide, I ran swiftly through the trees. The wet leaves on the ground tickled my feet. I laughed into the open air. Only hours ago, I had wished to die, but now, death was farthest from my mind. I had Carlisle, and I wanted to live.

Still laughing joyously, I ran out of the forest and stopped. Edward turned to look at me.

"Hello, Esme."

"Good morning, Edward," I sang. He was puzzled by my good humor.

"Feeling better now?"

"Yes," I said. "Much better."

"I'm glad to hear it."

I knew at once something was wrong. I had always been an empathetic person; knowing someone's feelings before they expressed them to me. I could hear the sadness in Edward's voice, and my heart went out to him.

_Are you alright? _I thought.

"Nothing. It's just..." He stopped, his voice frustrated. "It's just that I feel so alone sometimes. I'm such a freak. What if I can never find someone who understands that other part of me?"

_You will. _

He looked at me, his face desolate. "You have Carlisle. _I _have no one."

My heart throbbed with sudden pain. I reached out and pulled him towards me. He didn't struggle. His dark head lay against my chest, and I stroked his hair softly.

"How can you do this?" he whispered.

_It's a part of who I am. To me, Edward, you are my son. The son I never had. _

He was silent. We remained there together; I sitting, and he kneeling at my feet. I sang softly to him. I pressed my cheek against his damp hair, and dared to rub his shoulders. It didn't matter that he was more than a decade older than me. He was young and he was in pain. I had never willingly let someone suffer. I would not do so now.

After a long time, Edward lifted his head.

"Thank you," was all he said.

I rose with him, my dress damp from the wetness of the rock. "Good-bye, Edward," I said.

He nodded his head, and ran towards the forest. Right at the edge, he stopped and looked back at me. I waved, and his lithe form melted into the darkness of the trees.

_Good-bye, Edward. My son. _


	11. Chapter 10: No Greater Love

**Chapter 11: No Greater Love **

_**Esme **_

The house was empty. I was alone.

The last few days had passed by peacefully. I was falling more in love with Carlisle every moment, but I couldn't know for sure if he felt the same about me. Edward--bless his heart--divulged no one's thoughts without their consent. I couldn't ask him to reveal Carlisle's when he'd already agreed not to reveal mine. _I almost prefer it like this, anyway, _I thought. It was such a lovely little mystery--the light in Carlisle's eyes each time he spoke to me, or the trembling of my hands in his. My heart swelled day by day as I waited for one of us to declare ourselves.

I walked into Carlisle's neatly-kept kitchen--whatever did he use it for?--humming, when my heart suddenly felt cold.

_Charles. _

I couldn't marry Carlisle. Not after...I swallowed painfully...after what had happened. I looked at my past life. It was like looking into a mirror, only I couldn't see very clearly. The surface was scratched and broken, with dents along the edges. Accusing faces peered out at me: my mother, my father, Charles...my dead baby. I clutched my throat, strangling the sobs that tore from it. Their eyes were wide with hatred. _Failure,_ they whispered. _You run from your past life, and think you can start over. You ruined _our_ lives, and now you set out to ruin the life of someone _else_ you love..._

"No," I gasped, backing away. Was there really a mirror, or was I dreaming? Voices rang in my head, hard as I tried to block them out. _You think you can marry him?_ they shrieked. _Having a new body doesn't free you! _

Memories hovered around me, and I stared, my eyes open wide.

_My father's palm coming away from my bruised cheek. My mother's silence, not daring to rise against him._

_Charles pinning me to the bed, his mind a drunken haze. My pain and agony once he was finished... _

_My baby's angelic face, his breath silent all too soon. The welcoming blackness when I hit the rocks of the cliff... _

I was not worthy of Carlisle. He was too good for me. He was the worthiest of beings, and I was...

I looked down at the cabinet, my hands tearing at my hair, when I saw a large butcher knife lying in a rack. It stood out from the other pieces of silverware. I grasped the handle. It was cool and hard under my grip.

I had held a knife like this once. The night Charles came home and beat me almost to death. I'd made up my mind I would end the misery right then, when I'd thought of my baby. I would live for him. I would run away from that cursed house, and nurse him until he grew fine and strong. He would live and laugh and breathe. Not die of an unknown ailment that shortened his breath and shriveled his little body in my arms...

My eyes burned, and I lifted the knife with a strange sort of fascination. It struck against my palm, but nothing happened. I'd forgotten what I was. Where I was. In that moment, I was blind to reality. I moaned aloud, the pain swelling in my breast.

A door slammed somewhere in the house, but I didn't move. Was it part of a dream, or reality?

"_Esme!"_ someone rushed across the room, reaching for the knife. There was a flash of white.

I didn't see who it was. Another wave of memories eclipsed me.

"_Give me that knife!" Charles snatched at it, but I pulled away. _He must not get it. He must not get it. _But he rushed forward and wrenched it from my hands, slicing my palm open. He laughed madly as I screamed. _

I dropped the knife. It clattered onto the tile floor. "No!" I gasped. I saw two hands picking it up...

_He shook the knife in my face. "You filthy slut!" he snarled. "You've got blood all over the food! I'll kill you!" I shrank on the floor, not seeing anything but my husband's face. His eyes were bloodshot, and he was stone drunk. _

"Esme?" the voice above me was horrified, but I couldn't stop screaming. Strong hands grasped my arms, trying to pull me up.

_Charles yanked me up off the floor. When he let go, my arms were sore and bruised. He lifted his hand to strike-- _

"Don't hurt me! Please, please..." I sobbed, writhing in his grip. The hands let go, and I sank to the floor, sobbing in relief.

After a few moments, the knife, Charles, and the pain faded. I was not Esme Evenson. I was Esme Platt.

I looked at my hand. The skin was pale and smooth. No cut. Nothing.

I was a vampire, I remembered. An iron bullet couldn't penetrate that hand. I staggered to my feet, almost tripping on the knife that lay on the floor. I sighed in relief. There was no blood.

As I walked from the kitchen, my head ached from the vision I'd just seen. Why couldn't I stop? I'd lost all else human. Why couldn't I lose the memories, too?

I walked into the living room, and stopped.

Carlisle stood in the dark, motionless.

Vampires have very keen senses. He must have heard me come in.

"Carlisle?" I asked.

He didn't answer.  
I spoke very gently. "Are you all right?"

Still no answer. Worried, I switched on a lamp to see him better.

His back was to me, but I could sense there was something wrong...

I tried again. Pleading. "What have I done?"

When he spoke, his voice was very low. "Or what have _I _done."

I stared at him. "What do you mean?"

He sighed, turning to face me. His tortured expression cut me to the heart.

"I see you don't remember," he said softly. "I will explain. I came home from work nearly ten minutes ago, and I saw you standing in the kitchen. I spoke to you, but you didn't answer. Then I saw the knife. You were trying to cut yourself with it. When I tried to take it from you, you suddenly dropped it, staring at me with this horrified expression. You backed away, and then...fell to the floor, screaming..." Carlisle's voice broke, and he looked away from me.

I couldn't speak.

"I tried to help you; ask you what was wrong. But you wouldn't let me touch you--kept pleading with me not to hurt you." He looked at me. His eyes were painfully bright. "How could I ever hurt you, Esme? How could _anyone_ ever hurt you? Please help me understand. It's killing me." He sank into a chair, his head in his hands.

My heart ached for him. I rushed across the room and knelt at his feet.

"Carlisle, look at me." I tugged at his arms until he complied. I clasped his hands in mine and tried to smile.

"You have done nothing. This is all my fault. I was...seeing a memory of the past. Charl--I had hurt myself with a knife, and in remembering it, I-I lost my senses for a moment. That's all." I stroked his hand comfortingly.

He wasn't fooled by my lies.

"If you did it yourself, then why did you cringe from me like that?" His voice was tight.

I was stubborn. "I don't remember."

"Esme." He knelt down beside me. "I heard you say his name. You must have thought I was him, and that's why you were afraid. Don't lie to me and pretend he didn't hurt you."

I winced.

Carlisle's breath was soft on my cheek. "Tell me what Charles did to you," he demanded.

I scrambled to my feet, leaning against a desk for support.

"Don't say his name," I said harshly.

I regretted the words the moment I spoke them. Carlisle flinched as if I'd struck him.

I quickly walked back and touched his shoulder.

"Forgive me," I said tenderly.

"No," he shook his head. "Forgive _me_. I shouldn't have brought up the subject. It's obviously too painful for you."

I looked away from his golden eyes. "That's true."

He stepped towards me, suddenly eager. "But that doesn't mean you should suffer in silence, Esme. Let me help you. I can bring you happiness; relief from all the hurt. This is the past, not the present, Esme. _Forget_ the past..."

"That's impossible," I said sorrowfully. To forget, I would have to speak. To share all my human failures and sufferings with him would not only be cruel, but unthinkably selfish.

_No._ I would not give that pain to others. Particularly to those I loved. And I loved Carlisle. Loved him with a passion and energy that took my breath away.

I'd hurt him once. I would not hurt him again.


	12. Chapter 10: continued

**Chapter 11: (continued...) **

_**Carlisle **_

I stared at Esme, longing to help her. But her secrets were locked away from me.

"That's impossible," she murmured, backing away. Her words hurt me, but I followed her.

"Esme, I--" I couldn't continue. She looked so sad, so beautiful in the lamplight. The shadows played over her features, darkening the corners of her red lips. I closed my eyes, trying to control myself.

"Please let me help you," I repeated, taking her hand. She backed against the wall. Her eyes were wide; almost afraid.

"You can't," she whispered. "I must get through this alone."

"No," I said. Slowly, deliberately, I brushed my lips across her fingers. She trembled.

"Don't be afraid," I whispered.

She stared up at me, her crimson eyes unearthly bright. I dared to come closer, placing my hands on the wall on either side of her. I could feel the buttons of her blouse pressing against my chest. Her white skin sparkled in the light invitingly. I couldn't help myself. Fighting my conscience, I leaned down and pressed my lips to her forehead. She trembled visibly.

"Don't..." she whispered, but she made no move to stop me. Her eyes closed.

I traced every line on her smooth, white skin with my lips; marveling at its perfect texture. She relaxed in my arms a little, allowing me to stroke her cheek with my fingertips. I gently brushed her hair back, and then daringly touched my lips to the soft hollow at her throat.

She sucked in a quick breath, flinging her head back. Desire flamed up inside of me, and I crushed myself against her, burying my lips in her hair. I breathed in her scent; violets mixed with a rich, spicy fragrance. My whole body was consumed with the scent, the feel of her.

"Esme," I whispered roughly. "I _want you._ I've _always_ wanted you."  
She tried to pull away, but I wouldn't let her.

"I'm not right for you," she said.

"Yes you _are_."

"Carlisle," Her voice was miserable. "I'm _too young._ You're...you're so much older than I am."

I held her shoulders, my eyes burning into her. "Does it make any difference?"

"I-I don't know. I'm still so new to this life. I don't know if I'm ready for this."

"I'll help you. We'll learn together."

She shook her head. "I can't..."

I let go of her, seeming to understand. That was it. She didn't want me. Didn't feel as I did.

"I'm sorry." I walked towards the door, gritting my teeth against the pain that washed over me. The power of it was overwhelming.

I opened the door, and took a step outside. I was fighting with myself not to look back when she called my name.

"Carlisle!"

The sound was so heartbreaking, so full of despair, that a sob tore from my throat. I was back in an instant, cradling her beautiful, precious being in my arms.

She clung to me, her arms around my neck. I heard her repeat my name. She was shaking as she held onto me desperately.

"Don't leave me," she pleaded again and again. "Please, please, don't leave me."

Somewhere in our embrace, my lips found hers, and I kissed them hungrily; clutching her to me. She curled her fingers in my hair and secured my face against hers. I shivered with pleasure. Her response was akin to mine.

"I love you, Carlisle," she whispered.

My heart felt alive at these words, and it only took seconds to find words of my own.

"Esme...?

"Yes?"

I kissed her sweet lips softly. "Will you marry me?"


	13. Chapter 11: Visitors

**Chapter 12: Visitors **

_**Esme**_

A few days before my wedding to Carlisle, I found a letter lying on the dining room table. It was open, and the envelope was addressed to _the Cullens_, so I had no qualms about reading it. I read the following in graceful, flowing cursive:

_Carlisle, _

_ I can't tell you how excited we were to hear the good news! She sounds absolutely lovely! I'm sure you'll be very happy. We've accepted your invitation; you may expect us late tomorrow afternoon. _

I looked up, dismayed. The clock on the wall said a little past 3 o'clock. Was that where Carlisle had gone? To meet these unknown visitors? I frantically read through the rest of the letter.

_ Kate and Carmen, unfortunately, weren't able to come, but I managed to bring Eleazar and my sister along with me. They, too, look forward to meeting you and Esme. I hope, by the way, I'll be allowed to help with the wedding. It's been so long since I've been to one! _

_ with warmest regards, _

_Tanya _

The letter was from some town in Alaska I couldn't pronounce. Of course, that made sense. There was a place where the sun wouldn't disturb a clan of vampires. There were five of them, apparently. I looked at the name at the bottom again. Tanya. Who was she, and how long had she known Carlisle? I felt a twinge of envy for someone I'd never even met. I wanted Carlisle all to myself, and I wasn't willing to share him with these visitors. _Oh, _why_ did they have to come?!_

I replaced the letter, and ran to find Carlisle. I flung open the door, only to rush headlong into him. He caught me, kissing my forehead.

"Esme," a happy smile was on his face. "There are some friends of mine who've just arrived. I'd like you to meet them."

"Friends?" I murmured anxiously.

"I know I should have told you, darling, but there wasn't much time. They are like us, you know. They travel _very_ fast."

He put his arm around my shoulder, and led me gently to the back of the house. I scarcely had time to smooth my hair or worry before three stunning vampires came to meet us. I was pleased to see their eyes were gold, and not red like mine.

"Esme, this is Eleazar." Carlisle gestured to the only male. Eleazar turned to me. I wondered at the strange, olive-toned color in his pale skin. Was he foreign? His hair was raven black, curling to his shoulders.

"Esme," he said. His voice was deep, but very soft. I smiled as he bent over to kiss my hand. "Carlisle is very lucky," he said.

I blushed. Or at least tried to. I kept forgetting the setbacks to being a vampire.

The tallest female came forward to meet me. I extended my hand, but was marveling at the sculpted beauty of her face. Centuries were written on her brow. Carlisle hadn't told me how old they were, but I could guess. This woman had seen suffering. And loss. She took my hand with dignity, never taking her eyes from mine.

"I'm Irina. It is wonderful to meet you, Esme," she spoke almost in a whisper. Her fair hair looked silver in the sunlight.

"Hello, Irina." I couldn't decide whether I liked her or not. She stepped away quickly behind Eleazar. I wondered if they were together or not. What word had Carlisle used before? Mates?

The third vampire caught my attention more than the other two had. She danced up to meet me, her strawberry curls sweeping past her shoulders. Her eyes were black jewels set in a perfect, scintillating face. Her pale cheeks seemed to glow with excitement as she took my hand in hers.

"I'm Tanya," she said in a voice like music. "And you are Esme, correct?"

"Yes."

Tanya turned to smile dazzlingly at Carlisle. "I thought so, but I wasn't sure. Carlisle is so cryptic in his letters." She touched my cheek with warm fingers. "She is three times lovelier than I thought she'd be."

"Stop teasing the poor girl," he laughed. He gestured behind him. "Why don't we go into the house?"

"Of course." Tanya drew her arm around my waist, and chatted with me like we were old friends. Irina and Eleazar followed, their faces amused. I, too, felt charmed by the affectionate nature of the vampire beside me.

"So, tell me, Esme," she whispered confidentially. "How did you first meet Carlisle?"

"Well, it's a rather long story," I confessed.

"Nonsense. I want to hear all about it."

She continued in this way, warming my heart with her kindness, until we went inside and saw Edward waiting for us. A change came over her features. She released my arm, and walked towards him slowly. Her lips spread into an attractive smile.

"Hello, Edward," she sang. I started. The familiar way she said his name was...odd. Even more surprising was the cold way in which he greeted her. "Tanya," was all he said. He didn't even touch the hand she offered to him.

_How can he be so rude?_ I thought. Edward looked at me, but shook his head. He greeted our two other guests, and then quickly left the room. This was obviously something I wouldn't hear about from _him_. _Oh, well. Carlisle will tell me._

* * *

When our guests went hunting that night, they took Edward with them. Once again, there was that strange reluctance to associate with Tanya. I couldn't understand it. She was so sweet and friendly. We were already the best of friends. I voiced my concerns to Carlisle as soon as we were alone. To my surprise, he laughed.

"You're very perceptive, Esme. What you don't realize is that Tanya and her sisters are _succubae_, and Edward is the first person to reject their advances. Perhaps it's because he understands our minds so well."

I was shocked. "But, she's so _kind_..."

"Yes, she is. I enjoy her friendship. But she's been pursuing Edward for the past ten years without success."

"That long?"

"Well, Eleazar and the rest only visit every few years. After a while, I could easily see why Tanya chose to come more often."

"Oh." I began to feel a slight resentment towards Tanya. She was beautiful, and she clearly used that beauty for purposes that disgusted me. I thought of Edward: his goodness, his young face, his everlasting look of sadness. If he accepted Tanya, he would only be another man in a long line of conquests. She would tire of him, and leave his soul in the dark. At least _Irina_ wasn't as ruthless...

I sighed.

"What are you thinking about?" Carlisle whispered.

I touched the tip of his nose with my finger. "Of you, maybe."

He gripped my hand, bringing it to his smiling lips. "I hope so. I'm warning you; I'll be a very jealous husband."

I laughed. "No, I think _I'll_ be more jealous than you."

He chuckled softly, but his expression was thoughtful. I watched him, worried. "What is it?"

His hand cupped under my chin, as if he would kiss me. But he said, "I just want to make sure this is what you want. I don't want you to regret anything, love."

"Like what?"

"Well, if you should tire of me in a few decades, or meet someone you loved better--"

I stopped him, putting my hand over his lips. "Don't say that!" I whispered frantically. "Don't even think it! How could I ever want anyone else but you?"

"Oh, Esme," he sighed. The sound was like a knife to my heart. My lips trembling, I wrapped my arms about his neck. Carlisle held me tight against him, as if he would never let go. My body was pressed against his; his fingers tangled in my hair. He bent to press his lips gently to the scar on my neck. That scar was as much a part of me as was, because it was _he_ who had made it.

I put my lips to his ear. "Carlisle," I breathed. "If I were to live a million years, it would not change my feelings for you."

He pulled away slightly, his eyes burning into mine. I'd never seen such a pure, intense color. His lips curved up in a dazzling smile, and it wasn't long before the distance between us was gone, and my lips were tasting his.


	14. Chapter 12: For Time & All Eternity

**Chapter 13: "For Time and All Eternity" **

_**Esme**_

"I can't do this, Tanya."

"Oh, hush."

"I _can't_!"

"Stop worrying! For heaven's sake, Esme, you're making _me_ nervous!"

I buried my face in my bouquet of orange blossoms. Their fragrant scent helped soothe my sudden, very bad case of "cold feet."

We were in the inner foyer of the Whitman chapel, the church where Carlisle and I would be quietly married. Lit candles glowed off Tanya's skin as she adjusted my trailing silk dress.

"Oh, Tanya," I whispered. "What if something goes wrong? What if I fall?"

"Vampires don't _fall_," she laughed, catching my hands in hers. She spun me carefully about the room in a little waltz. "Vampires float and dance and sing in beautiful, angelically-white dresses." My veil swirled about us as we danced. I begged her to stop, laughing breathlessly. She stopped and stroked my cheek softly. "Vampires marry perfect, wonderful men who love them more than anything else in this world."

If I had been human, the tears would have brimmed over my eyelids and fallen like pearls down my dress. I hugged Tanya, wary of my dress, and she smiled at me.

"Don't move an inch until I say so," she commanded. "I want you to look absolutely perfect."

"Yes, ma'am."

She giggled, disappearing out the door like a ghost. During her absence, I nervously adjusted the veil over my face, and made sure the train wouldn't trip me when I walked out. I pictured Carlisle's golden face in my head, and tried to breathe normally.

Tanya opened the door. "Follow me," she whispered. "Remember. Just like we rehearsed."

I nodded, trying not to laugh as I remembered the funny scenes we'd played out in Carlisle's living room. But I followed her now, seriously, because it wasn't Tanya pretending to be the groom out there. It was my soon-to-be husband. I made each step careful and deliberate, and tried to ignore the sighs and murmurings of the audience when I came into view.

"Isn't she lovely?" I heard a woman whisper.

I barely heard her. I was walking up the steps now, where the minister and Carlisle both waited. I felt the happiness inside of me consume the previous fear. It swelled like a bubble in my chest, and I suddenly couldn't move. I paused right there, on the steps, in front of the entire audience. I felt as if I would faint, when a warm, strong hand led me up the last few steps. I could hardly see Carlisle through the veil, but I felt his love radiating through me.

"Join hands," intoned the minister in a deep voice. We already had, of course. It was really happening. The wedding I'd always dreamed of. I looked to my right and saw Tanya standing beside Edward and her little family. Edward was smiling--really, truly smiling--for once, and I could have cried at the beauty of his pure, youthful face. _My own son_.

I turned back, conscious of Carlisle moving beside me. He was lifting my left hand to the light, and pulling something from his pocket. He had never shown me my ring, even when we were engaged. I wanted it to be a surprise, and he had agreed. I watched now, forgetting to breathe as a diamond ring caught the light. He slipped it onto my finger, smiling. Peering through the veil, I could see a small heart diamond set on a golden band. It was surrounded by the finest of amethysts; my favorite gemstone.

"Dr. Carlisle Cullen?"

Carlisle pulled his gaze away from my delight, and faced the minister.

"Do you take this woman to be your lawfully-wedded wife for time and all eternity?"

Carlisle's voice was radiant. "I do."

"And do you, Esme Platt, take this man to be your lawfully-wedded husband for time and all eternity?"

I couldn't speak the words quickly enough. "I do," I whispered joyfully. Carlisle squeezed my hand in his. We had told the minister my maiden name on purpose, of course, and to change the "'til death do you part" for the other phrase, "time and all eternity." I closed my eyes as we exchanged our last vows together. How could anyone be married by anything less beautiful or promising?

"I now pronounce you man and wife," the minister finished. He closed his book, and the whole audience seemed to take a breath as I turned to Carlisle and slowly lifted my veil. It rippled back over my shoulders like mist. I realized I'd been looking at him through a veil the entire time, and had forgotten how perfect he was. His golden hair matched his mesmerizing eyes, which burned into my own passionately. His hands rested on my shoulders, and he kissed me.

The world had stopped moving. Everything was frozen. Nothing mattered except his marble lips against mine, and my arms--bouquet and all--pulling him closer. _This is my only heaven,_ I thought vaguely. _This is my reason for living._

We finished our kiss all too soon, it seemed, and the church was suddenly aglow with light, laughter, and applause. I felt Tanya and her sister embrace me, and Eleazar's soft voice. Edward was there, too, and many people I had never seen before. They whirled me around, congratulating the happy bride, and I felt lost. Where was Carlisle? I was looking for his fair head in the crowd when he caught me around the waist and swept me, literally, off my feet. He ran outside into the blurred rain (we couldn't have gotten married in sunshine, obviously), and we collapsed, laughing, into his black car. The crowd followed us, throwing rice, shouting bawdy jokes, and cheering as we drove off. I looked out the back window and waved to Edward and Carlisle's friends. Tanya bounced in front of them, waving enthusiastically back at me.

"And how are you, Mrs. Cullen?" said Carlisle, his arm about my shoulders as he drove. I started at the name, but smiled up at him happily. "Wonderful, _now_."

He pulled my face towards his quickly, and we began where our last kiss had left off.


	15. Chapter 13: Heart & Soul

**Chapter 14: Wedding Night **

_**Esme**_

The door opened, and Carlisle swept up the stairs with me in his arms. I had never seen such grace, such beauty in a man before.

I could never get enough of his perfection, though I knew he felt the same about me. He...took my breath away.

He walked into my room, and set me down gently. I adjusted the folds of gleaming satin, and carefully removed my veil. Carlisle helped me with Tanya's pearls, setting them on my bureau. I rubbed my hands together, looking anywhere but at his face. He sensed my nervousness. Taking my face in his hands, he kissed me once on the lips.

"May I stay?" he asked softly.

He didn't assume. He _asked_. I loved him more than ever for his unfailing consideration of my feelings. He knew I'd suffered abuse at Charles' hands. He would make sure I wasn't hurt again. How far this first night went would be completely up to me.

I touched his cheek, letting the love shine through my eyes, and nodded once.

"I'll be back," he whispered. He kissed me again, and then disappeared out the door.

I carefully removed my wedding dress, feeling the satin slip down my body. I packed it away, sprinkling some fragments of orange blossoms within the folds. After a brief search, I found a long nightdress with delicate, bell-like sleeves. It felt weightless as air when I put it on. The color matched my own flesh.

The moon had risen. I lay back on the pillows, watching the faint glow play over my skin. I sang an old tune to myself, but I was far from being at ease. I felt incredibly uneasy... for what? I loved Carlisle, and he loved me. Why should I be afraid?

The door creaked. I spun towards it, my heart leaping in my throat.

Carlisle entered, and my anxiety was stilled. He hadn't removed any clothing. Yet.

I sat up, curling my legs under me. His expression was wary. He didn't want to frighten me, or do anything he might regret.

"Hello," he whispered. His voice was hoarse, and his fists clenched, as if in pain.

"You're so beautiful," he said.

I beckoned to him, and he was by my side in an instant. As I stared at him, all my fears were suddenly extinguished. I wanted nothing more than to tear off the clothing that separated his perfection from me. My fingers trailed up his shoulder, and gently loosened his tie. He watched me, his face curious. I threw the tie on the floor, and loosened his collar. By the time I undid the first button, he had frozen beside me. I took advantage of my fearlessness to finish the rest quickly. I reached up slowly--

He caught my hands in his. "Esme." I'd never heard his voice so rough. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." His shirt gaped open in front of me. I tried to finish; unveiling his perfection. He waited, watching me closely.

I couldn't do it. My hands were shaking. My courage had failed me, and I could only gaze at him.

He stood up, smiling in understanding. "Let me."

I watched him walk to the darkest corner of the room. It was difficult to see him clearly. I was almost glad of it. It gave me a few moments to control my rapid breathing. There was a few moments silence. I felt another spasm of nervousness. I realized I had never even seen Carlisle with his _sleeves _rolled up, let alone no shirt at _all_. He always wore modest, long-sleeved shirts or jackets, or his customary doctor's coat. Never had I seen any skin besides his face and hands. Even his neck was always covered with scarves or collars. The feeling of unease crept through me again.

Carlisle sighed to himself. I looked over at him. He slowly drew the shirt over his head, baring his chest. It fell to the floor noiselessly. I squinted, trying to see him in the shadows. I felt braver, since _he_ was brave.

"Come on out, Dr. Cullen," I teased. "I won't bite."

He laughed, a nervous edge to his voice. "I've never exactly done this before," he said. "You must be patient with me."

"Of course," I said encouragingly. I curled up on the pillow, waiting.

He took a deep breath, and then stepped out of the shadows. As the moonlight fell on him, I gasped.

If a god from Mount Olympus had entered the room just then, I would've scorned him, for I already had one before me. Only he was more perfect, more beautiful than any mythical god ever created. The moonlight spun silvery webs on his flawless, white chest, contrasting magnificently with his golden eyes and hair. He smiled at me, his teeth just as perfect. I was used to my own beauty, and Edward's youthful perfection, but this was something different. Something full of beauty as infinite and unchangeable as the universe itself.

The god opened his arms for me, and I rushed into them. I felt his hard muscles flex, and the stony skin that felt as soft as velvet under my fingers.

"Mmm..." I sighed contentedly, kissing him on the lips. He kissed me back, tugging at my bottom lip gently.

I growled playfully, shoving him onto the bed. He stared at me in surprise, his topaz eyes dazzling.

"Esme, did you just _growl_ at me?" he demanded, a smile creeping over his features. I jumped on him, pinning him down to the bed. "Mm-mm. _I'm_ the boss for the evening, remember?"

Carlisle laughed loudly, twisting easily from my grip. Next thing I knew, our positions were reversed. His chest pressed against mine, the warmth seeping through my delicate nightdress. He stroked my hair, regarding me thoughtfully.

"I don't know," he said. "I think I like _this_ arrangement better."

If I'd been human, my heart would have been thumping wildly in my chest. But being a vampire, I was motionless, dizzy from the scent that rose off of his skin. His eyes were gloriously bright; almost unearthly in their beauty. And his face...

"Say it," he whispered, suddenly intense. "Say my name."

I looked at him curiously.

"Please," he repeated. "I want to hear you say it."

My eyes were locked with his, and I could not look away. It was as if some irresistible, magnetic force surrounded him, and everything he said and did was drawing me in slowly.

"Carlisle," I breathed.

I tried to speak again, but when I gazed up at him, the words disappeared in my throat.

Slowly, gently, his hands encircled my face. I trembled.

"Say it again," he said.

I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. "Carlisle."

"Again."

I felt his cool breath on my cheek. I swallowed hard. "Carlisle."

"Again."

Something brushed against my forehead, and lightly caressed my left eyelid. His lips? I dared not open my eyes.

"Carlisle."

I heard him sigh deeply, and the same soft pressure brushed over both of my hands. I ventured to look this time, and my heart ached inside of me. Carlisle's fair head was bent over my hands, kissing each finger tenderly with his pale lips. Unaware that I was watching, he lifted my right hand to his cheek, and held it there for a few moments. I shifted, and he dropped my hand, looking up at me.

I gazed into his gentle eyes, and my muscles seemed to move of their own accord as I sat up and reached my hand towards his face. But it dropped as I remembered the last time I'd done this with a man.

Man. _Monster_ was a better word.

No. I couldn't do it. I had no right to touch him.

Carlisle seem to believe otherwise. He grasped my wrists gently, and placed my hands on either side of his marble face. I gasped softly as my skin tingled from head to toe.

He smiled at me. "You're not afraid, are you?" he said.

"No," I murmured.

His beautiful smile pierced my heart. "I would never hurt you, my love. You should never feel afraid when I'm here."

A thrill of happiness filled me at his words, but I still couldn't move.

Silently, he once again pressed my hands to his face.

"_Touch me_," he whispered.

My heart thudded in my chest as I felt the iciness of his skin under my fingertips. Ever so slowly, I caressed his smooth cheek and forehead; curving upwards until my fingers found themselves entangled in the softness of his hair. Carlisle's eyes closed, the lashes dark against his pale cheek. I felt slightly more at ease, now that his bright eyes weren't breaking my concentration.

Leaning closer, I laid my cheek against his; resting my hands on his shoulders. I kept that posture for a few minutes, listening to the sound of his breathing. Then, I placed my finger very lightly on his perfect lips, tracing their shape and the contours of his mouth. His breath caught in his throat suddenly, and I moved away, feeling as if I'd done too much.

I watched him open his eyes, and I could see in them a flicker of light that turned their amber color to gold. He lifted his hand to where I'd touched his lips, and then laid it across my own.

He smiled peacefully. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

I shook my head absently, mesmerized by the burning in his eyes. I started to lie back down, but Carlisle held me by my shoulders.

"Wait a minute," he laughed. "It's _my_ turn now."

I couldn't breathe.

He placed his hands on either side of my head, and then leaned down and brushed his lips along my forehead. My frantic breathing was the only sound in the room. I knew he could hear it when I saw the smile in his golden eyes.

Sliding his arm underneath my back, Carlisle lifted me up and gazed deeply into my eyes.

"I love you," he said.

Before I could respond, his urgent lips were moving against mine, and I couldn't form a single coherent thought. I felt his stony chest pressing against my body, and a wave of emotions rushed through me.

I threw my arms around his neck and hungrily kissed him back. He moaned softly, the sound catching in his throat. I turned my head aside to catch my breath, but his lips went to my neck and shoulders, their warm touch tracing the contours of my skin, and raising goose bumps along my arms. I leaned back on the soft coverlet, my head tilting backwards to embrace his caresses. He kissed me softly on my neck, the curve of my jaw, and then once on my lips. I opened my mouth, silently begging him, but he merely looked at me. His eyes were burning fiercely, and he whispered, "I have never known this before." He kissed me again on the lips. "Never."

I didn't speak. No words were necessary. I only let him draw me closer, the moonlight reflecting off the pure whiteness of our skin. I gave myself to Carlisle, heart and soul, and cried out with happiness when he made me his.

* * *

Sometimes I wondered if I was only dreaming. If such a compassionate, unbelievably perfect person really belonged to me. Then I'd look at him--his wise, unfathomable eyes, his godlike body--and my world would begin all over again. If eternity had looked frightening and unpredictable before, it wasn't any longer. Only an angel could have lit up the future for me. Only an angel could have awakened my soul until it soared above my troubled past. Only an angel...

I was in heaven, and the angel was Carlisle. Indeed, it seemed as if I had wings that first night; soaring to meet his lips with a passion that equaled his own. We had literally saved each other. I spared him an eternity in loneliness, and he spared me a life in pain and self-hatred. Our souls were knit together in a way that time itself would never break apart.

I'd heard Edward say once that our kind was "damned." I only smiled, and prayed he would someday find his own angel. Then he would understand. Love would heal his heart... as Carlisle had healed mine.

**The End **


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